Waiting...

It's been 8 days since she had the Mirena removed.  She was definitely very bitch and moody on about the 2nd and 3rd day.  Other than that, nothing at all has changed.  We did have sex once, two days after the removal, but as usual she was just giving herself to me to keep me happy.

Of course, I must admit I've been very self-involved the whole time.  I haven't really given things a chance to be different.  Business is going to shit, and although we do have several deals on the go, they're not enough to even catch up on the bills.  Time is catching up.  If we don't get some serious money in the next few weeks, it's all going to go at once.  The cable, electricity, gas, both phones, and both cars.  They're going to foreclose on our rental property, and we're going to be thrown out of the place we're renting.

My mum tells me not to stress.  "Jimmy Pattison has been bankrupt several times".  And "It will all work out in the end".  I KNOW all of this.  Of COURSE I could get a job... but where would that get me?  The same place I am, just a little more comfortable, and with no future, no dreams, no goals.    It's not worth the trade-off.  I'd rather take a chance on multiple failures and eventual success than settle for a guaranteed life-long mediocrity.  That's why I'm not a cop or an air-traffic-controller (the two jobs I'm most qualified for).

So how long does it take for the Mirena effects to wear off?  I figure I'll give it a month.  I need a deadline -- but that's hard to set when part of the fault is mine. 

I drink too much (especially lately), and I smoke too much (directly related to the alcohol).  How can she be horny, and want me, when she comes home from work and I'm sitting on the couch, plastered, watching re-runs of old TV shows?  I need to stop drinking -- not for a few days, but permanently.  I almost had a break-down tonight when I realized the bank account wouldn't cash a cheque for me, and I had no money left for a bottle of wine.  Now that depresses me -- that my entire life has been reduced to whether or not I can buy a $10 bottle of wine.  Luckily for my good humour, I had two (lite) beers and half a bottle of tequila left.  I hate beer, and I hate liquor -- but it was something.

I bought a lottery ticket tonight -- 2 minutes before the deadline.  I think that's lucky -- that I happened to be driving (to the liquor store -- before I realized the bank machine wouldn't give me money) and that I decided to spend my last $40 on a lotto ticket two minutes before the cut-off.

I know my chances at the lotto.  I have a rule -- don't buy unless my chances are at least 1 in 10,000.  And I broke that rule tonight for the first time in years.  Tonight they're one in about 1,000,000.  But what the heck, it's better than nothing.

The landlord is threatening to throw us out (COMPLETELY within their rights -- they've been more than patient), the rental property is being foreclosed on, and the car lease company has been far more understanding than I deserve.  So far I've managed to keep up to date on the credit cards, but I know the utilities won't last much longer.  Through some miracle I managed to pay almost everything to date in June -- but that was 2 months ago now.

Eventually I need to set a deadline -- either we start having sex, or we split up.

I've been working super hard on losing weight (despite the amount of alcohol I've been consuming).  I'm down under 1000 calories a day in food (and about 500 - 700 per day in alcohol).  Calorie-counting has actually been very eye-opening.  Small choices can make a HUGE difference.  Choosing a chicken burger over a beef burger at White Spot Triple-O's drive through can cut the calories from 800 to 400.  It's amazing. And I've learned that I can just as happily survive on a 1/2 serving instead of a full serving.  And that it's ok to get the burger and not the meal....  Granted I'm hungry most of the time, and I get drunk on 3 drinks instead of 6, but otherwise it's not too bad.  Being a "cheap drunk" is highly embarassing, but does save calories and money.

So I need to get the finances under control.  I'm going to focus on that (and my weight) instead of my sex life.  Once I've fixed my own problems, either the sex will be there or it won't.  And at that point I'll have to make a decision.  But I guess there's no point it making it before that.

I love her, and if I left now I know I would always blame myself for not doing the best I can on my side of things.  Let's wait and see.

Drinking on the deck again

Here I am again. It’s almost midnight, and I’m sitting alone on the deck with a glass of wine and a cigarette. Déjà vu anyone?

This is my first drink since Friday (it’s Tuesday now). I thought that was pretty good in the “cutting back” department. Granted, I’ve been smoking a lot more – but I had none today until now!

We had plans to go for a bike ride this evening, but I’m just getting over a cold and my cough got worse this afternoon. So we cancelled the bike ride and I cleaned the kitchen while she went to get groceries. Then we made Indian food together. It was delicious. Then we rented a movie (Losers) and sat together on the couch and watched it. Amazingly enough, she didn’t fall asleep! We cuddled through the first 30 minutes, then I gave her a foot massage through most of the rest, but then she didn’t want to give me one afterwards. Oh well. Remind me again why I “loaned” her nearly $30,000 to go to massage therapy school for two years? The less than 10 massages I’ve had in the years since have been awfully expensive ones!!!

We talked about having sex, but she begged off until “tomorrow”. So we went to bed and I finished my book while drinking a Neo Citran, then tried to go to sleep too. After 20 minutes of being wide awake, I gave up and here I am. I *really* need to get myself a prescription for sleeping pills.

It was a nice night together, though. I haven’t seen much of her in the past 10 days. Her “gay husband” has been visiting from Calgary and they’ve been out clubbing a couple of times. And then she’s been out with the girls a couple of times, too, to clubs and movies. And of course I’m completely incapable of going to sleep until she gets home in the wee hours of the morning (the lack of sleep, I think, why I got a cold in the middle of August!). She’s had girlfriends over on a couple of other nights to watch “Teen Choice Awards”, etc. Which is fine, except I get completely ignored. They’re allowed to talk during the shows, but I’m certainly not!!! Maybe that’s because I’m asking silly questions about what is going on and trying to understand the show, and they’re just making comments on clothing, popularity, etc.

Anyway, it was a nice, romantic, evening. But I’m just so bloody horny! We haven’t had sex since my last blog. I don’t even remember when the last time was, actually. Sometime in July I think.

I asked her again this afternoon to book an appointment to have the Mirena removed. She thanked me for reminding her, and called to book something for next week. God I hope that’s the solution!

I had a bit of a jealousy attack today. She doesn’t know about it…. Because she thinks jealousy is a sign of weakness, and isn’t something we should feel. So I don’t let on, because it always leads to a fight.

I was looking something up for her on her phone last week and stumbled upon some text messages from the night before (when she’s been out late with her friends). She had been drunk-text-flirting with a guy we both know. I don’t know him that well, but it seems she does. He’s an equestrian, too, and I know she talks to him a lot on the phone about horses. She told me this afternoon that she wants to move her horse out to his barn and take riding lessons with him. Maybe the texting was an inside joke that I’m not in on—but it makes me uncomfortable. And I can’t ask her about it, because I read the text messages on her phone….. Nothing overtly sexual… just a few casual flirting messages.

But one of the main reasons I love her so much is because she’s so devoted. In our first years together, it was a stability I craved. My last girlfriend had lied to me, cheated on me and left me for another guy. I knew the breakup was coming, and spent months agonizing over it while we were still living together. So when my current girlfriend and I started going out, the devotion was a breath of fresh air.

We’ve broken up a bunch of times over the years, the longest for about 3 months when I was backpacking Europe. While I was away she found another boy. They slept together, twice, on their first date (her girlfriend told me). And without a condom, too. That really hurt, but hey – we were broken up. And I’m not perfect, either.

When I came home we got back together (after much begging on my part), and then a month later I moved out of town (it was planned). She had plans to move out to be with me, but after she did she admitted to me that she had cheated on me…. She told me she made out with some guy on the dance floor at a club shortly after I moved. Not a huge deal, really, if that’s all that happened. But I lost my absolute confidence in her devotion. That was 3 years ago.

So now, coupled with the fact that she doesn’t like having sex anymore (with me, anyway) I’m starting to question things again. I know she’s not cheating on me – we know each others schedules too well and see each other too often for her to have time for an affair. But the question remains in my head – is she looking for someone new? Does she just find this new guy attractive and want to spend time with him, innocently? Or does she have a secret wish in mind?

Or is it just the Mirena – and all of my problems will soon go away? I guess I’ll have to wait another 10 days, at least, to find out. How long after removal, anyway, does it take to re-gain one’s libido?