Waiting...

It's been 8 days since she had the Mirena removed.  She was definitely very bitch and moody on about the 2nd and 3rd day.  Other than that, nothing at all has changed.  We did have sex once, two days after the removal, but as usual she was just giving herself to me to keep me happy.

Of course, I must admit I've been very self-involved the whole time.  I haven't really given things a chance to be different.  Business is going to shit, and although we do have several deals on the go, they're not enough to even catch up on the bills.  Time is catching up.  If we don't get some serious money in the next few weeks, it's all going to go at once.  The cable, electricity, gas, both phones, and both cars.  They're going to foreclose on our rental property, and we're going to be thrown out of the place we're renting.

My mum tells me not to stress.  "Jimmy Pattison has been bankrupt several times".  And "It will all work out in the end".  I KNOW all of this.  Of COURSE I could get a job... but where would that get me?  The same place I am, just a little more comfortable, and with no future, no dreams, no goals.    It's not worth the trade-off.  I'd rather take a chance on multiple failures and eventual success than settle for a guaranteed life-long mediocrity.  That's why I'm not a cop or an air-traffic-controller (the two jobs I'm most qualified for).

So how long does it take for the Mirena effects to wear off?  I figure I'll give it a month.  I need a deadline -- but that's hard to set when part of the fault is mine. 

I drink too much (especially lately), and I smoke too much (directly related to the alcohol).  How can she be horny, and want me, when she comes home from work and I'm sitting on the couch, plastered, watching re-runs of old TV shows?  I need to stop drinking -- not for a few days, but permanently.  I almost had a break-down tonight when I realized the bank account wouldn't cash a cheque for me, and I had no money left for a bottle of wine.  Now that depresses me -- that my entire life has been reduced to whether or not I can buy a $10 bottle of wine.  Luckily for my good humour, I had two (lite) beers and half a bottle of tequila left.  I hate beer, and I hate liquor -- but it was something.

I bought a lottery ticket tonight -- 2 minutes before the deadline.  I think that's lucky -- that I happened to be driving (to the liquor store -- before I realized the bank machine wouldn't give me money) and that I decided to spend my last $40 on a lotto ticket two minutes before the cut-off.

I know my chances at the lotto.  I have a rule -- don't buy unless my chances are at least 1 in 10,000.  And I broke that rule tonight for the first time in years.  Tonight they're one in about 1,000,000.  But what the heck, it's better than nothing.

The landlord is threatening to throw us out (COMPLETELY within their rights -- they've been more than patient), the rental property is being foreclosed on, and the car lease company has been far more understanding than I deserve.  So far I've managed to keep up to date on the credit cards, but I know the utilities won't last much longer.  Through some miracle I managed to pay almost everything to date in June -- but that was 2 months ago now.

Eventually I need to set a deadline -- either we start having sex, or we split up.

I've been working super hard on losing weight (despite the amount of alcohol I've been consuming).  I'm down under 1000 calories a day in food (and about 500 - 700 per day in alcohol).  Calorie-counting has actually been very eye-opening.  Small choices can make a HUGE difference.  Choosing a chicken burger over a beef burger at White Spot Triple-O's drive through can cut the calories from 800 to 400.  It's amazing. And I've learned that I can just as happily survive on a 1/2 serving instead of a full serving.  And that it's ok to get the burger and not the meal....  Granted I'm hungry most of the time, and I get drunk on 3 drinks instead of 6, but otherwise it's not too bad.  Being a "cheap drunk" is highly embarassing, but does save calories and money.

So I need to get the finances under control.  I'm going to focus on that (and my weight) instead of my sex life.  Once I've fixed my own problems, either the sex will be there or it won't.  And at that point I'll have to make a decision.  But I guess there's no point it making it before that.

I love her, and if I left now I know I would always blame myself for not doing the best I can on my side of things.  Let's wait and see.

Drinking on the deck again

Here I am again. It’s almost midnight, and I’m sitting alone on the deck with a glass of wine and a cigarette. Déjà vu anyone?

This is my first drink since Friday (it’s Tuesday now). I thought that was pretty good in the “cutting back” department. Granted, I’ve been smoking a lot more – but I had none today until now!

We had plans to go for a bike ride this evening, but I’m just getting over a cold and my cough got worse this afternoon. So we cancelled the bike ride and I cleaned the kitchen while she went to get groceries. Then we made Indian food together. It was delicious. Then we rented a movie (Losers) and sat together on the couch and watched it. Amazingly enough, she didn’t fall asleep! We cuddled through the first 30 minutes, then I gave her a foot massage through most of the rest, but then she didn’t want to give me one afterwards. Oh well. Remind me again why I “loaned” her nearly $30,000 to go to massage therapy school for two years? The less than 10 massages I’ve had in the years since have been awfully expensive ones!!!

We talked about having sex, but she begged off until “tomorrow”. So we went to bed and I finished my book while drinking a Neo Citran, then tried to go to sleep too. After 20 minutes of being wide awake, I gave up and here I am. I *really* need to get myself a prescription for sleeping pills.

It was a nice night together, though. I haven’t seen much of her in the past 10 days. Her “gay husband” has been visiting from Calgary and they’ve been out clubbing a couple of times. And then she’s been out with the girls a couple of times, too, to clubs and movies. And of course I’m completely incapable of going to sleep until she gets home in the wee hours of the morning (the lack of sleep, I think, why I got a cold in the middle of August!). She’s had girlfriends over on a couple of other nights to watch “Teen Choice Awards”, etc. Which is fine, except I get completely ignored. They’re allowed to talk during the shows, but I’m certainly not!!! Maybe that’s because I’m asking silly questions about what is going on and trying to understand the show, and they’re just making comments on clothing, popularity, etc.

Anyway, it was a nice, romantic, evening. But I’m just so bloody horny! We haven’t had sex since my last blog. I don’t even remember when the last time was, actually. Sometime in July I think.

I asked her again this afternoon to book an appointment to have the Mirena removed. She thanked me for reminding her, and called to book something for next week. God I hope that’s the solution!

I had a bit of a jealousy attack today. She doesn’t know about it…. Because she thinks jealousy is a sign of weakness, and isn’t something we should feel. So I don’t let on, because it always leads to a fight.

I was looking something up for her on her phone last week and stumbled upon some text messages from the night before (when she’s been out late with her friends). She had been drunk-text-flirting with a guy we both know. I don’t know him that well, but it seems she does. He’s an equestrian, too, and I know she talks to him a lot on the phone about horses. She told me this afternoon that she wants to move her horse out to his barn and take riding lessons with him. Maybe the texting was an inside joke that I’m not in on—but it makes me uncomfortable. And I can’t ask her about it, because I read the text messages on her phone….. Nothing overtly sexual… just a few casual flirting messages.

But one of the main reasons I love her so much is because she’s so devoted. In our first years together, it was a stability I craved. My last girlfriend had lied to me, cheated on me and left me for another guy. I knew the breakup was coming, and spent months agonizing over it while we were still living together. So when my current girlfriend and I started going out, the devotion was a breath of fresh air.

We’ve broken up a bunch of times over the years, the longest for about 3 months when I was backpacking Europe. While I was away she found another boy. They slept together, twice, on their first date (her girlfriend told me). And without a condom, too. That really hurt, but hey – we were broken up. And I’m not perfect, either.

When I came home we got back together (after much begging on my part), and then a month later I moved out of town (it was planned). She had plans to move out to be with me, but after she did she admitted to me that she had cheated on me…. She told me she made out with some guy on the dance floor at a club shortly after I moved. Not a huge deal, really, if that’s all that happened. But I lost my absolute confidence in her devotion. That was 3 years ago.

So now, coupled with the fact that she doesn’t like having sex anymore (with me, anyway) I’m starting to question things again. I know she’s not cheating on me – we know each others schedules too well and see each other too often for her to have time for an affair. But the question remains in my head – is she looking for someone new? Does she just find this new guy attractive and want to spend time with him, innocently? Or does she have a secret wish in mind?

Or is it just the Mirena – and all of my problems will soon go away? I guess I’ll have to wait another 10 days, at least, to find out. How long after removal, anyway, does it take to re-gain one’s libido?

what now?

It's almost 2am.  I'm on my third glass of wine (or is it my second?  Not sure -- they're big glasses).  I'm going to let the bottle sit half-empty overnight.  I know I'll finish it tomorrow.

She's still asleep on the couch.  I wish I could sleep like that.  Ever since I was born I've had trouble sleeping.  I'm sure I put my parents through hell.  I wake up to every noise -- maybe that's another reason why I drink....?  It definitely makes it easier to fall asleep!  But waking up at 4am is no fun either -- a side effect of too much alcohol?

I'm under too much stress -- bills, sex, kids...  did I win the lottery tonight?  I'll check my ticket tomorrow.  That would certainly help!  Heck, I don't need the grand prize of $50 mil, even $1 mil would be fine... 

But I realize the lottery wouldn't really solve all of my problems.  Or would it?  Would the lack of stress allow me to lose weight?  Would that make me more attractive to my girlfriend?  Would she suddenly want kids after all?  Or am I just deceiving myself... dreaming.

Why can't I just go to sleep?  It's not like it really matters -- it's Friday night, and I don't have any morning appointments.  But I'm one of those people that wakes up at the crack of dawn, no matter how little sleep I've had.  That really sucks sometimes.  I even sleep with an "eye pillow", which doesn't seem to help most of the time.

I need to get excited about tomorrow.  I'm going to make eggs benny for breakfast.  She loves them, and so do I, and I make a pretty darn good benny if I do say so myself.

I'm so glad I started this blog.  It's not for lack of wanting to talking about things before -- it's just that I haven't found anyone who can really relate.  I'm an INFP -- a generally happy person who has a few close friends. As we age, though, we drift apart.  I relate most to girls, not guys.  Well, let me rephrase that -- I relate well to guys one-on-one.  But once you get 3+ guys in a room, it's all about whose dick is bigger.  Everything has to be "macho".  And I have nothing I need to prove -- I love who I am, except for the drinking, extra weight, and smoking habit.

So, generally, most of my close friends are female.  Often ex-girlfriends. And although we chat often, and there's nothing sexual between us anymore, they are all too involved in their new relationships, pending or new marriages, and young children, to relate to my aging, childless, non-married relationship.  It makes me feel old, sometimes.

I think that someone out there, in a world of 7 billion people, must be able to relate to my posts.

Your comments are more than welcome.  Thank you for allowing me to share.

Just wanted to get this out

July 30, 2010. Midnight.



I love her so much. She’s asleep on the couch again, and I’m alone out on the deck in my housecoat drinking a glass of wine. My first of the night (unless you count the ½ glass of hers that I finished at dinner because she didn’t want any more). I’m smoking a cigarette. I’m trying to quit, of course, but there always seems to be other priorities. Mine are quitting drinking and losing weight. Or at least cutting back on drinking. I wasn’t going to have anything to drink today, but I’m really depressed tonight, and there’s half a bottle left from dinner. So what the hell.


She planned dinner, and I cooked it. And served our guests. And cleaned up afterwards. We loaded the dishwasher together. I do have to admit, it was excellent planning! Everything was delicious. After dinner, she lay down on the couch and I sat with her. I had one cigarette after dinner, so wanted to shower before going to bed. I asked her to join me. She said she didn’t want to. She doesn’t like sex, so I think that falling asleep on the couch is an easier out.


I’m really tired too. Neither of us got much sleep last night. We had a big fight – pretty common lately. It always seems to be about the same thing – sex. She seemed willing enough last night, so as usual I went down on her until she came. Then she gave me about a 5-minute blow job – that’s about how long it takes until she gets bored. (It’s an improvement though – she used to only last about 2 minutes). I know she’s rushing me, and it stresses me out and I end up taking longer. So when she quits, we start having sex. I can tell she’s not into it – she rarely is. She asks me several times “are you almost done?”. Boy, that’s a huge turn-on. Eventually she asks me to go finish myself. I got angry. I know I shouldn’t, but I’m just so fed-up with all of this. Thus the big fight. I left and she went straight to sleep, but I couldn’t get to bed until 2:30 and a few drinks to calm down.


She insists it’s not me, but about 2 years ago, during a similar discussion, she told me she just isn’t attracted to me anymore. I know she regretted saying that right away, but that’s the kind of thing that it’s just not possible to take back. It haunts me all the time, and she’s done nothing at all to counteract it. She never tells me I’m sexy, or that I turn her on. She doesn’t even like to touch me – says she’s just not a “touchy person”. Maybe that’s true.


I try to blame it on her birth control. When we first started going out she was REALLY into it. For several years, we had awesome sex. She was always a bit shy, but still very keen to please and definitely enjoying herself. We had sex in the car, in the park, in the parking lot, at the beach….. Now I consider myself lucky to have sex in our own bed. Maybe once a month. Maybe twice. I can only think of one time in the past year that I know for certain that she enjoyed it.


I’ve done a lot of research on Mirena (her IUD) and it seems a lot of people have a huge decrease in sex drive when using it. But her doctor says that’s not listed on the “official side effects” and so doesn’t want to remove it. It took me 18 months to get her to go to the doctor and ask. I’m kind of perpetually waiting – hoping – that this will solve all my problems someday.


I really do want to quit drinking. I know I drink too much. It’s not like some people I know whose whole life is an alcoholic haze – I go to work in the morning and never have any interest in a drink until I get home. Whether that’s at 4pm or 9pm, though, I’ve gotten in the habit of opening a bottle. She rarely drinks, and comes from an alcohol-free family. I come from a family where beer, wine, and cider is a part of every-day life. My mum LOVES her “one cider a day” before dinner. And she usually keeps it at one, too. But I don’t seem to stop at one. I finish the bottle, and if it’s not bed-time then I sometimes open another. Lately I’ve been hung over far too many mornings, and it is now affecting my work. So that’s why I didn’t have anything today. Oh, I wasn’t short of opportunities. I made Tasha a Mojito when I got home from work (she didn’t drink it, though, and eventually tossed it out). Then we went over to a friend’s pool, and they served us drinks. I made mine a virgin. Then we came home and had guests for dinner. And I served the wine. But I didn’t drink any, and it wasn’t hard. Then everyone left, and Tasha decided she was “tired”. And that’s when I started to drink.


As I write this, I’m still on my first glass. It’s a big one, though, and it’s starting to run empty. That means I might need to open another bottle. Which I don’t want to do, because it’s expensive wine and it will go bad unless I finish it tonight or drink it tomorrow. I don’t want to drink it tomorrow, because (as always) the plan is to not drink tomorrow. So I might just have to finish it tonight.


She’s still asleep on the couch.


What should I do? Am I punishing myself for being “unattractive”? I know I’m overweight, but I honestly haven’t gained a pound since we started dating. I think I might just be depressed – trying to forget the constant rejection. The daily horniness. I make it through the day by taking care of myself every morning. She doesn’t know about this. It wouldn’t bother her – nothing I do bothers her. She doesn’t seem to care what I do, as long as I pay for her horse, her car, and the roof over her head.


Oh, she has a job. She works two part-time jobs. It pays for her horse, mostly, and occasional groceries. And shoes, sunglasses, and purses. My job has been rough lately, and the money isn’t rolling in like it used to. It will again, I know, but right now we’re in lean times. That doesn’t seem to phase her – instead of pitching in for the rent, she bought two pairs of new shoes this week (“they were on special!”).


I’m borrowing money everywhere I can, trying to make it through. I work on commission, and I currently owe the boss nearly $30,000 in advances that he doesn’t owe me yet. He cut me off last week, though, so I don’t know what’s going to happen with the next round of bills. Almost everything is up to date, so I might manage a month without making payments and not screw up my credit. We just need a couple of good sales. My income so far this year has been nearly half what it was last year, and the car payments are falling behind.


I find it hard to fault her buying shoes, because I spend way too much money on wine and cigarettes. So I don’t complain – I tell her I love them. We’ve had enough discussions lately about how there’s no money to spare.


I’ve decided tonight that her selfishness is the root of our problems. I know that sounds awful… but I think it’s true. I don’t think she considers anyone else’s feelings except her own. If I’m upset, tired, hungry, horny, or broke, she only cares to the degree that it will affect her. Since she’s asleep on the couch, it doesn’t matter what I’m up to. Or how I’m feeling.


I was reading her “Woman’s Health” magazine tonight. It had the usual “sex” section, with everyone’s most popular question of “I want it more than he does” (it was a magazine for women, don’t forget). Their answer was two pages long, and suggested everything from “sexting” to just asking him to go down on you if he’s not in the mood for more. The problem is, she just doesn’t care. She gets mad at me for flirting, touching her, sexual innuendo, or asking her to do something she “too tired” for. Or “too busy” for. Or whatever the reason of the moment happens to be.


On this one, I’m pretty darn certain it’s not me. I go down on her all the time. I try to flirt, sext, give her massages, bring flowers, take her to romantic dinners, buy her presents…. You name it, I’ve tried it.


She hints all the time that she wants to get married. We’ve talked about it at length, and I’ve made it clear that I do not want to get married until we sort out our issues. I read the book “The Ten Conversations You Must Have Before You Get Married”. She didn’t want to read it. I pressed her, and eventually she agreed. She got through the first chapter before she “lost” the book several months ago. She says she still wants to read it, but it took her a month to get through the first chapter. And now the book is missing.


One of the questions is about kids. I know (and have always known) that I want kids. Not having kids is a deal-breaker for me. It’s not so important to me whether it’s one, or ten, but I do want offspring. She’s not sure. She says she’s never really wanted kids – giving birth would mess with her body, and then if she had a kid she’d have to “look after it”. I know she has been thinking about it for my sake – or for the sake of us staying together, anyway – and lately she’s been saying that maybe she does want kids. But I’m not sure I believe her.


After a lot of googling, I’ve read many stories from people in similar circumstances. One wants kids and the other doesn’t. It never seems to end well. Either they have kids, and one partner resents the kids…. Or they don’t have kids, and the other partner resents not having them. There doesn’t seem to be many happy endings in this situation.


She tells me that it’s probably because she’s never really thought about it before. She always just assumed she didn’t want kids. And now that she’s thinking about it, maybe she does. So I’m hanging in there, waiting for her to make a decision that I don’t think she’s ever going to make.


I love her so much. And I do know that she loves me. And I know we both want to get married. But how can I live the rest of my life without kids, without regular sex, and knowing that my wife loves me, but doesn’t find me attractive……