It's almost 2am. I'm on my third glass of wine (or is it my second? Not sure -- they're big glasses). I'm going to let the bottle sit half-empty overnight. I know I'll finish it tomorrow.
She's still asleep on the couch. I wish I could sleep like that. Ever since I was born I've had trouble sleeping. I'm sure I put my parents through hell. I wake up to every noise -- maybe that's another reason why I drink....? It definitely makes it easier to fall asleep! But waking up at 4am is no fun either -- a side effect of too much alcohol?
I'm under too much stress -- bills, sex, kids... did I win the lottery tonight? I'll check my ticket tomorrow. That would certainly help! Heck, I don't need the grand prize of $50 mil, even $1 mil would be fine...
But I realize the lottery wouldn't really solve all of my problems. Or would it? Would the lack of stress allow me to lose weight? Would that make me more attractive to my girlfriend? Would she suddenly want kids after all? Or am I just deceiving myself... dreaming.
Why can't I just go to sleep? It's not like it really matters -- it's Friday night, and I don't have any morning appointments. But I'm one of those people that wakes up at the crack of dawn, no matter how little sleep I've had. That really sucks sometimes. I even sleep with an "eye pillow", which doesn't seem to help most of the time.
I need to get excited about tomorrow. I'm going to make eggs benny for breakfast. She loves them, and so do I, and I make a pretty darn good benny if I do say so myself.
I'm so glad I started this blog. It's not for lack of wanting to talking about things before -- it's just that I haven't found anyone who can really relate. I'm an INFP -- a generally happy person who has a few close friends. As we age, though, we drift apart. I relate most to girls, not guys. Well, let me rephrase that -- I relate well to guys one-on-one. But once you get 3+ guys in a room, it's all about whose dick is bigger. Everything has to be "macho". And I have nothing I need to prove -- I love who I am, except for the drinking, extra weight, and smoking habit.
So, generally, most of my close friends are female. Often ex-girlfriends. And although we chat often, and there's nothing sexual between us anymore, they are all too involved in their new relationships, pending or new marriages, and young children, to relate to my aging, childless, non-married relationship. It makes me feel old, sometimes.
I think that someone out there, in a world of 7 billion people, must be able to relate to my posts.
Your comments are more than welcome. Thank you for allowing me to share.
Saturday, July 31, 2010
Just wanted to get this out
July 30, 2010. Midnight.
I love her so much. She’s asleep on the couch again, and I’m alone out on the deck in my housecoat drinking a glass of wine. My first of the night (unless you count the ½ glass of hers that I finished at dinner because she didn’t want any more). I’m smoking a cigarette. I’m trying to quit, of course, but there always seems to be other priorities. Mine are quitting drinking and losing weight. Or at least cutting back on drinking. I wasn’t going to have anything to drink today, but I’m really depressed tonight, and there’s half a bottle left from dinner. So what the hell.
She planned dinner, and I cooked it. And served our guests. And cleaned up afterwards. We loaded the dishwasher together. I do have to admit, it was excellent planning! Everything was delicious. After dinner, she lay down on the couch and I sat with her. I had one cigarette after dinner, so wanted to shower before going to bed. I asked her to join me. She said she didn’t want to. She doesn’t like sex, so I think that falling asleep on the couch is an easier out.
I’m really tired too. Neither of us got much sleep last night. We had a big fight – pretty common lately. It always seems to be about the same thing – sex. She seemed willing enough last night, so as usual I went down on her until she came. Then she gave me about a 5-minute blow job – that’s about how long it takes until she gets bored. (It’s an improvement though – she used to only last about 2 minutes). I know she’s rushing me, and it stresses me out and I end up taking longer. So when she quits, we start having sex. I can tell she’s not into it – she rarely is. She asks me several times “are you almost done?”. Boy, that’s a huge turn-on. Eventually she asks me to go finish myself. I got angry. I know I shouldn’t, but I’m just so fed-up with all of this. Thus the big fight. I left and she went straight to sleep, but I couldn’t get to bed until 2:30 and a few drinks to calm down.
She insists it’s not me, but about 2 years ago, during a similar discussion, she told me she just isn’t attracted to me anymore. I know she regretted saying that right away, but that’s the kind of thing that it’s just not possible to take back. It haunts me all the time, and she’s done nothing at all to counteract it. She never tells me I’m sexy, or that I turn her on. She doesn’t even like to touch me – says she’s just not a “touchy person”. Maybe that’s true.
I try to blame it on her birth control. When we first started going out she was REALLY into it. For several years, we had awesome sex. She was always a bit shy, but still very keen to please and definitely enjoying herself. We had sex in the car, in the park, in the parking lot, at the beach….. Now I consider myself lucky to have sex in our own bed. Maybe once a month. Maybe twice. I can only think of one time in the past year that I know for certain that she enjoyed it.
I’ve done a lot of research on Mirena (her IUD) and it seems a lot of people have a huge decrease in sex drive when using it. But her doctor says that’s not listed on the “official side effects” and so doesn’t want to remove it. It took me 18 months to get her to go to the doctor and ask. I’m kind of perpetually waiting – hoping – that this will solve all my problems someday.
I really do want to quit drinking. I know I drink too much. It’s not like some people I know whose whole life is an alcoholic haze – I go to work in the morning and never have any interest in a drink until I get home. Whether that’s at 4pm or 9pm, though, I’ve gotten in the habit of opening a bottle. She rarely drinks, and comes from an alcohol-free family. I come from a family where beer, wine, and cider is a part of every-day life. My mum LOVES her “one cider a day” before dinner. And she usually keeps it at one, too. But I don’t seem to stop at one. I finish the bottle, and if it’s not bed-time then I sometimes open another. Lately I’ve been hung over far too many mornings, and it is now affecting my work. So that’s why I didn’t have anything today. Oh, I wasn’t short of opportunities. I made Tasha a Mojito when I got home from work (she didn’t drink it, though, and eventually tossed it out). Then we went over to a friend’s pool, and they served us drinks. I made mine a virgin. Then we came home and had guests for dinner. And I served the wine. But I didn’t drink any, and it wasn’t hard. Then everyone left, and Tasha decided she was “tired”. And that’s when I started to drink.
As I write this, I’m still on my first glass. It’s a big one, though, and it’s starting to run empty. That means I might need to open another bottle. Which I don’t want to do, because it’s expensive wine and it will go bad unless I finish it tonight or drink it tomorrow. I don’t want to drink it tomorrow, because (as always) the plan is to not drink tomorrow. So I might just have to finish it tonight.
She’s still asleep on the couch.
What should I do? Am I punishing myself for being “unattractive”? I know I’m overweight, but I honestly haven’t gained a pound since we started dating. I think I might just be depressed – trying to forget the constant rejection. The daily horniness. I make it through the day by taking care of myself every morning. She doesn’t know about this. It wouldn’t bother her – nothing I do bothers her. She doesn’t seem to care what I do, as long as I pay for her horse, her car, and the roof over her head.
Oh, she has a job. She works two part-time jobs. It pays for her horse, mostly, and occasional groceries. And shoes, sunglasses, and purses. My job has been rough lately, and the money isn’t rolling in like it used to. It will again, I know, but right now we’re in lean times. That doesn’t seem to phase her – instead of pitching in for the rent, she bought two pairs of new shoes this week (“they were on special!”).
I’m borrowing money everywhere I can, trying to make it through. I work on commission, and I currently owe the boss nearly $30,000 in advances that he doesn’t owe me yet. He cut me off last week, though, so I don’t know what’s going to happen with the next round of bills. Almost everything is up to date, so I might manage a month without making payments and not screw up my credit. We just need a couple of good sales. My income so far this year has been nearly half what it was last year, and the car payments are falling behind.
I find it hard to fault her buying shoes, because I spend way too much money on wine and cigarettes. So I don’t complain – I tell her I love them. We’ve had enough discussions lately about how there’s no money to spare.
I’ve decided tonight that her selfishness is the root of our problems. I know that sounds awful… but I think it’s true. I don’t think she considers anyone else’s feelings except her own. If I’m upset, tired, hungry, horny, or broke, she only cares to the degree that it will affect her. Since she’s asleep on the couch, it doesn’t matter what I’m up to. Or how I’m feeling.
I was reading her “Woman’s Health” magazine tonight. It had the usual “sex” section, with everyone’s most popular question of “I want it more than he does” (it was a magazine for women, don’t forget). Their answer was two pages long, and suggested everything from “sexting” to just asking him to go down on you if he’s not in the mood for more. The problem is, she just doesn’t care. She gets mad at me for flirting, touching her, sexual innuendo, or asking her to do something she “too tired” for. Or “too busy” for. Or whatever the reason of the moment happens to be.
On this one, I’m pretty darn certain it’s not me. I go down on her all the time. I try to flirt, sext, give her massages, bring flowers, take her to romantic dinners, buy her presents…. You name it, I’ve tried it.
She hints all the time that she wants to get married. We’ve talked about it at length, and I’ve made it clear that I do not want to get married until we sort out our issues. I read the book “The Ten Conversations You Must Have Before You Get Married”. She didn’t want to read it. I pressed her, and eventually she agreed. She got through the first chapter before she “lost” the book several months ago. She says she still wants to read it, but it took her a month to get through the first chapter. And now the book is missing.
One of the questions is about kids. I know (and have always known) that I want kids. Not having kids is a deal-breaker for me. It’s not so important to me whether it’s one, or ten, but I do want offspring. She’s not sure. She says she’s never really wanted kids – giving birth would mess with her body, and then if she had a kid she’d have to “look after it”. I know she has been thinking about it for my sake – or for the sake of us staying together, anyway – and lately she’s been saying that maybe she does want kids. But I’m not sure I believe her.
After a lot of googling, I’ve read many stories from people in similar circumstances. One wants kids and the other doesn’t. It never seems to end well. Either they have kids, and one partner resents the kids…. Or they don’t have kids, and the other partner resents not having them. There doesn’t seem to be many happy endings in this situation.
She tells me that it’s probably because she’s never really thought about it before. She always just assumed she didn’t want kids. And now that she’s thinking about it, maybe she does. So I’m hanging in there, waiting for her to make a decision that I don’t think she’s ever going to make.
I love her so much. And I do know that she loves me. And I know we both want to get married. But how can I live the rest of my life without kids, without regular sex, and knowing that my wife loves me, but doesn’t find me attractive……
I love her so much. She’s asleep on the couch again, and I’m alone out on the deck in my housecoat drinking a glass of wine. My first of the night (unless you count the ½ glass of hers that I finished at dinner because she didn’t want any more). I’m smoking a cigarette. I’m trying to quit, of course, but there always seems to be other priorities. Mine are quitting drinking and losing weight. Or at least cutting back on drinking. I wasn’t going to have anything to drink today, but I’m really depressed tonight, and there’s half a bottle left from dinner. So what the hell.
She planned dinner, and I cooked it. And served our guests. And cleaned up afterwards. We loaded the dishwasher together. I do have to admit, it was excellent planning! Everything was delicious. After dinner, she lay down on the couch and I sat with her. I had one cigarette after dinner, so wanted to shower before going to bed. I asked her to join me. She said she didn’t want to. She doesn’t like sex, so I think that falling asleep on the couch is an easier out.
I’m really tired too. Neither of us got much sleep last night. We had a big fight – pretty common lately. It always seems to be about the same thing – sex. She seemed willing enough last night, so as usual I went down on her until she came. Then she gave me about a 5-minute blow job – that’s about how long it takes until she gets bored. (It’s an improvement though – she used to only last about 2 minutes). I know she’s rushing me, and it stresses me out and I end up taking longer. So when she quits, we start having sex. I can tell she’s not into it – she rarely is. She asks me several times “are you almost done?”. Boy, that’s a huge turn-on. Eventually she asks me to go finish myself. I got angry. I know I shouldn’t, but I’m just so fed-up with all of this. Thus the big fight. I left and she went straight to sleep, but I couldn’t get to bed until 2:30 and a few drinks to calm down.
She insists it’s not me, but about 2 years ago, during a similar discussion, she told me she just isn’t attracted to me anymore. I know she regretted saying that right away, but that’s the kind of thing that it’s just not possible to take back. It haunts me all the time, and she’s done nothing at all to counteract it. She never tells me I’m sexy, or that I turn her on. She doesn’t even like to touch me – says she’s just not a “touchy person”. Maybe that’s true.
I try to blame it on her birth control. When we first started going out she was REALLY into it. For several years, we had awesome sex. She was always a bit shy, but still very keen to please and definitely enjoying herself. We had sex in the car, in the park, in the parking lot, at the beach….. Now I consider myself lucky to have sex in our own bed. Maybe once a month. Maybe twice. I can only think of one time in the past year that I know for certain that she enjoyed it.
I’ve done a lot of research on Mirena (her IUD) and it seems a lot of people have a huge decrease in sex drive when using it. But her doctor says that’s not listed on the “official side effects” and so doesn’t want to remove it. It took me 18 months to get her to go to the doctor and ask. I’m kind of perpetually waiting – hoping – that this will solve all my problems someday.
I really do want to quit drinking. I know I drink too much. It’s not like some people I know whose whole life is an alcoholic haze – I go to work in the morning and never have any interest in a drink until I get home. Whether that’s at 4pm or 9pm, though, I’ve gotten in the habit of opening a bottle. She rarely drinks, and comes from an alcohol-free family. I come from a family where beer, wine, and cider is a part of every-day life. My mum LOVES her “one cider a day” before dinner. And she usually keeps it at one, too. But I don’t seem to stop at one. I finish the bottle, and if it’s not bed-time then I sometimes open another. Lately I’ve been hung over far too many mornings, and it is now affecting my work. So that’s why I didn’t have anything today. Oh, I wasn’t short of opportunities. I made Tasha a Mojito when I got home from work (she didn’t drink it, though, and eventually tossed it out). Then we went over to a friend’s pool, and they served us drinks. I made mine a virgin. Then we came home and had guests for dinner. And I served the wine. But I didn’t drink any, and it wasn’t hard. Then everyone left, and Tasha decided she was “tired”. And that’s when I started to drink.
As I write this, I’m still on my first glass. It’s a big one, though, and it’s starting to run empty. That means I might need to open another bottle. Which I don’t want to do, because it’s expensive wine and it will go bad unless I finish it tonight or drink it tomorrow. I don’t want to drink it tomorrow, because (as always) the plan is to not drink tomorrow. So I might just have to finish it tonight.
She’s still asleep on the couch.
What should I do? Am I punishing myself for being “unattractive”? I know I’m overweight, but I honestly haven’t gained a pound since we started dating. I think I might just be depressed – trying to forget the constant rejection. The daily horniness. I make it through the day by taking care of myself every morning. She doesn’t know about this. It wouldn’t bother her – nothing I do bothers her. She doesn’t seem to care what I do, as long as I pay for her horse, her car, and the roof over her head.
Oh, she has a job. She works two part-time jobs. It pays for her horse, mostly, and occasional groceries. And shoes, sunglasses, and purses. My job has been rough lately, and the money isn’t rolling in like it used to. It will again, I know, but right now we’re in lean times. That doesn’t seem to phase her – instead of pitching in for the rent, she bought two pairs of new shoes this week (“they were on special!”).
I’m borrowing money everywhere I can, trying to make it through. I work on commission, and I currently owe the boss nearly $30,000 in advances that he doesn’t owe me yet. He cut me off last week, though, so I don’t know what’s going to happen with the next round of bills. Almost everything is up to date, so I might manage a month without making payments and not screw up my credit. We just need a couple of good sales. My income so far this year has been nearly half what it was last year, and the car payments are falling behind.
I find it hard to fault her buying shoes, because I spend way too much money on wine and cigarettes. So I don’t complain – I tell her I love them. We’ve had enough discussions lately about how there’s no money to spare.
I’ve decided tonight that her selfishness is the root of our problems. I know that sounds awful… but I think it’s true. I don’t think she considers anyone else’s feelings except her own. If I’m upset, tired, hungry, horny, or broke, she only cares to the degree that it will affect her. Since she’s asleep on the couch, it doesn’t matter what I’m up to. Or how I’m feeling.
I was reading her “Woman’s Health” magazine tonight. It had the usual “sex” section, with everyone’s most popular question of “I want it more than he does” (it was a magazine for women, don’t forget). Their answer was two pages long, and suggested everything from “sexting” to just asking him to go down on you if he’s not in the mood for more. The problem is, she just doesn’t care. She gets mad at me for flirting, touching her, sexual innuendo, or asking her to do something she “too tired” for. Or “too busy” for. Or whatever the reason of the moment happens to be.
On this one, I’m pretty darn certain it’s not me. I go down on her all the time. I try to flirt, sext, give her massages, bring flowers, take her to romantic dinners, buy her presents…. You name it, I’ve tried it.
She hints all the time that she wants to get married. We’ve talked about it at length, and I’ve made it clear that I do not want to get married until we sort out our issues. I read the book “The Ten Conversations You Must Have Before You Get Married”. She didn’t want to read it. I pressed her, and eventually she agreed. She got through the first chapter before she “lost” the book several months ago. She says she still wants to read it, but it took her a month to get through the first chapter. And now the book is missing.
One of the questions is about kids. I know (and have always known) that I want kids. Not having kids is a deal-breaker for me. It’s not so important to me whether it’s one, or ten, but I do want offspring. She’s not sure. She says she’s never really wanted kids – giving birth would mess with her body, and then if she had a kid she’d have to “look after it”. I know she has been thinking about it for my sake – or for the sake of us staying together, anyway – and lately she’s been saying that maybe she does want kids. But I’m not sure I believe her.
After a lot of googling, I’ve read many stories from people in similar circumstances. One wants kids and the other doesn’t. It never seems to end well. Either they have kids, and one partner resents the kids…. Or they don’t have kids, and the other partner resents not having them. There doesn’t seem to be many happy endings in this situation.
She tells me that it’s probably because she’s never really thought about it before. She always just assumed she didn’t want kids. And now that she’s thinking about it, maybe she does. So I’m hanging in there, waiting for her to make a decision that I don’t think she’s ever going to make.
I love her so much. And I do know that she loves me. And I know we both want to get married. But how can I live the rest of my life without kids, without regular sex, and knowing that my wife loves me, but doesn’t find me attractive……
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