what now?

It's almost 2am.  I'm on my third glass of wine (or is it my second?  Not sure -- they're big glasses).  I'm going to let the bottle sit half-empty overnight.  I know I'll finish it tomorrow.

She's still asleep on the couch.  I wish I could sleep like that.  Ever since I was born I've had trouble sleeping.  I'm sure I put my parents through hell.  I wake up to every noise -- maybe that's another reason why I drink....?  It definitely makes it easier to fall asleep!  But waking up at 4am is no fun either -- a side effect of too much alcohol?

I'm under too much stress -- bills, sex, kids...  did I win the lottery tonight?  I'll check my ticket tomorrow.  That would certainly help!  Heck, I don't need the grand prize of $50 mil, even $1 mil would be fine... 

But I realize the lottery wouldn't really solve all of my problems.  Or would it?  Would the lack of stress allow me to lose weight?  Would that make me more attractive to my girlfriend?  Would she suddenly want kids after all?  Or am I just deceiving myself... dreaming.

Why can't I just go to sleep?  It's not like it really matters -- it's Friday night, and I don't have any morning appointments.  But I'm one of those people that wakes up at the crack of dawn, no matter how little sleep I've had.  That really sucks sometimes.  I even sleep with an "eye pillow", which doesn't seem to help most of the time.

I need to get excited about tomorrow.  I'm going to make eggs benny for breakfast.  She loves them, and so do I, and I make a pretty darn good benny if I do say so myself.

I'm so glad I started this blog.  It's not for lack of wanting to talking about things before -- it's just that I haven't found anyone who can really relate.  I'm an INFP -- a generally happy person who has a few close friends. As we age, though, we drift apart.  I relate most to girls, not guys.  Well, let me rephrase that -- I relate well to guys one-on-one.  But once you get 3+ guys in a room, it's all about whose dick is bigger.  Everything has to be "macho".  And I have nothing I need to prove -- I love who I am, except for the drinking, extra weight, and smoking habit.

So, generally, most of my close friends are female.  Often ex-girlfriends. And although we chat often, and there's nothing sexual between us anymore, they are all too involved in their new relationships, pending or new marriages, and young children, to relate to my aging, childless, non-married relationship.  It makes me feel old, sometimes.

I think that someone out there, in a world of 7 billion people, must be able to relate to my posts.

Your comments are more than welcome.  Thank you for allowing me to share.